The Restored Life

The Importance of Avoiding Fornication

✨️🎊It’s my anniversary!!🎉✨️

This month marks my 10-year abstinence journey. There are times when it seems like it was only a few years ago when I made the decision to remain abstinent until marriage. Then, at other times, it feels even longer. In the beginning, it was a major adjustment. Along the way, there’s been a lot that I’ve had to learn and unlearn. I have experienced numerous highs and lows. During certain periods of time, I found immense peace and true contentment in my singleness and abstinence, especially within the first few years. On the other hand, later in my journey, I hoped marriage was right around the corner for me. The struggle was real. I had no desire to go back to fornication but the desire for companionship and sex was very present throughout this 10-year period.

In today’s blog, I want to share my journey of making it to 10 years. It was no easy feat, but it has been worth it. It is only by the grace of God and continually making the decision to remain abstinent that has allowed me to successfully make this far. It is not in my own strength. No matter the challenges I have overcome, I truly believe this is one of the most important decisions I have ever made in life. I hope that sharing my story will encourage others who are living an abstinent lifestyle and for those who are struggling with fornication to start theirs. For the readers who are married, please share with family, friends, and acquaintances who are unmarried to help them as they are navigating their singleness. It is not always a cakewalk, and oftentimes, we need some encouragement to endure through it.

My abstinence journey started in June of 2015 when I was in my early twenties. I had been in a backslidden state where I was fornicating, clubbing, drinking, and occasionally smoking weed. The way I was living was a stark contrast to how I was raised. Yes, I was young and now a “real” adult. Regardless of my young age, how I carried or presented myself was nothing like what my mother had instilled into me growing up. But in spite of being wayward, living in a state of sin, the Father still was pursuing me. I like to say, “God was thinking about me, even when I wasn’t thinking about Him.”

During that time in my life, I was trying to cover up some of the mental and emotional pain of my childhood with male attention, affection, sex and other forms of comfort. I was avoiding what caused the pain. Instead, I sought to find love or some type of affection through lust-filled encounters. In the months leading up to June, I could feel a change taking place in me. My desires were changing. What I once enjoyed I no longer cared for.  In the beginning of 2015, I could sense a change in the dynamics of my friendships. There was a progressive separation that was taking place. I didn’t fully understand at first, but I became completely aware months later. When I made it to June, I was at a place where I was flat-out tired. The lifestyle of clubbing and fornication was no longer appealing to me. My environment was changing. The friends I once were close with I no longer wanted to be around. My desires were changing, and with it came separation.

In early June, I had an encounter with Christ in my bedroom where I came to the end of me. I no longer wanted to live the way I had been living. The love, acceptance, and affection I had been looking for was not found in sex or in another person but in God alone. It was in my bedroom where I gave up my lifestyle of fornicating, clubbing (partying), and smoking weed. I was done. At that very moment, what I once found comfort in, I no longer wanted anything to do with it. I wanted it out of my life. I was willing to leave a lifestyle of sin and separate myself from friends who would only influence me to continue sinning. Throughout the month, God purged a lot out of my life. As He was removing things and people out of my life, my desires were beginning to align with His desires. The stumbling blocks had to go.

In the same month, I joined a new church. For the next three years, I was immersed into serving at my church. While many people my age had other pastimes, I was involved in various ministries in and outside of the church. From 2016 to 2018, I was at church at least three times a week. During this period, God was maturing me while He had me separated.  Between years three and four of my abstinence journey, I started counseling, and I joined a local group of likeminded believers who were on a similar path. While in counseling, it gave me the opportunity to confront the root cause of my past behaviors. Prior to, I was serving and serving, always busy in church. The majority of the time, I was at three possible places: work, home, or church. I stayed busy. But the problem I faced was I didn’t get to the root “why” of my past sins. During my counseling sessions, I was able to address what I had suppressed from childhood into adulthood. By confronting my past, it opened the door for healing and led me to experience deliverance.

Throughout years three to five, I continued to pursue healing. It was my desire to eventually be married and have a family of my own. I wanted my future husband and children to receive the healed version of me, not the angry, resentful, and rejected version I had grown to know. At that time, I was  content in my abstinence journey. Occasionally, I thought about being in a relationship and sex.    In reflecting on those moments, I am thankful for what it taught me.  I could not allow myself to be driven by lust, and I had to take captive any thought that would cause me to reminisce on the past. 

Then, things shifted between 2020 and 2021. During that period in my life , I had to navigate through many challenges. With the pandemic came changes at work, and I struggled with the mandated shutdown. My life consisted of work and home, with the exception of going to the grocery store and gas station. And, on top of that, I was working in the hospital.  Then, in early 2021, my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She passed shortly before my birthday. I was struggling to adjust to life without her. I had peace with her passing; but, the pain I felt was her absence in my life. I contemplated so many what ifs. At this time, I was heartbroken that my mom was gone and that she would never witness me get married or have children. I felt so behind in life, like I was missing something. Shortly after her passing, I tried to pursue online dating after someone’s suggestion. That was horrible advice.

I was in no shape to date anyone; doing so would have been a recipe for disaster. More than likely, it would have resulted in me falling and engaging in fornication. With everything I was battling, I would not have made wise decisions that would keep me. But thank God for His divine protection and keeping me. Throughout the past few years, I have dealt with inner conflict with my desires. I still had the desire for marriage and family, but honestly, I was struggling to believe if it was attainable for me. I was trying to find contentment, but continually, I felt conflicted. By year eight, the discontentment plateaued. In reading and meditating on Philippians 4:11-13, I found the contentment I needed.

11Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. 12I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. 13I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

No matter my relationship status, I could find contentment in Christ. He would give me the strength I need to endure through my singleness. Yes, I would have times where I thought about sex or desired it, but I was not overcome by it. I recognized that everything i had felt was not lust, even though some was. I learned the difference between what was lust and what was a natural human desire to be managed the right way. Throughout these 10 years, I learned there is more to life than sex. In a society driven by sex that glorifies sex outside of marriage, I have the awareness that it is not the end all, be all of our existence. Pertaining to marriage, I still have the desire, but whether I am single or married, it is my hope to be content. I still believe the desire to be married is healthy and commendable. But I choose not to be overwhelmed with whether or not I will be married. I want to have true contentment and fulfillment in Christ. Only He will be able to sustain me. In my journey, I discovered it helped to share the highs and lows with other believers pursuing abstinence. It gave me the opportunity to see how others have similar experiences, and it encouraged me to keep going.

In sharing my abstinence story, I pray that it helps and encourages you. I know it is not an easy journey, but it is worth it. Whether you started and have fallen, never been abstinent, or are successfully navigating your abstinence journey, this week’s post can help you. Regardless of what you read here or somewhere else, it boils down to making a choice. If you are unmarried [single (never married), engaged, divorced, widowed], will you choose to honor God with your body?

Understanding Fornication

In discussing fornication, we must have the correct understanding of what it means. Fornication is defined as (1) unlawful sexual intercourse of an unwed person and (2) consensual sexual intercourse between two persons not married to each other. In multiple areas within the Bible, we are instructed to abstain, avoid, or flee fornication. It doesn’t get any clearer than that. This shows us how God feels about sexual sin. As believers, if we are unmarried, we are not to be engaging in sex, period. We live in a society that endorses sexual liberation, which includes premarital sex, “casual” sex, situationships, one-night stands, etc. But all of this goes against the Word of God. In 1 Corinthians 6, Paul tells us that the body is for the Lord and not for fornication. Our bodies are members of Christ. Not only that, we must understand that sex is the joining of two individuals spiritually. Sex is not solely a physical act between two individuals; it is spiritual as well. This takes us back to the Garden of Eden when God tells Adam that man is to leave his father and mother and cleave [to adhere firmly and closely or loyally and unwavering] to his wife. And, the two become one flesh.

      Understanding Fornication

  So we must understand that when we have sex with another person, we are spiritually tied to that person. By God’s design, that tie is intended for a husband and wife, not a boyfriend and girlfriend or between a man and his fiancée. Sex is designed by God to be enjoyed between a man and woman within the covenant of marriage. There are no exceptions. We can not twist the Word to fit our sin nor allow others who are fornicating convince us differently. We must honor God with our bodies and avoid fornication. Our bodies are not our own. Our body is the temple of the Holy Spirit. As born-again believers, the Spirit of God dwells inside of us. In verse 20 of 1 Corinthians 6, it lets us know we are bought with a price. In return, we are to glorify God in both our body and Spirit because they are God’s. Once we are born again, we can not do whatever we please with our bodies. We should no longer use our bodies to fulfill the sinful nature of the flesh. We are required to use our bodies to do what is pleasing and acceptable to our Father. 

          If we choose to continue in fornication, we need to have the awareness that there are consequences. And we must examine the severity of those consequences.

Consequences of Fornication

Fornication has both natural and spiritual consequences. We must choose if we are willing to accept the weight of it. One of the major consequences to consider is that it will cause us to be spiritually tied to the individual. This means that in the spiritual realm, you are illegally joined to this individual who is not your spouse. The next consequence is STDs. Fornication can bring physical and spiritual STDs. This doesn’t  mean just Sexually Transmitted Diseases but also Sexually Transmitted Demons. Because you have committed sin by fornicating you have given the devil legal access into your life. As a result of sin, we become easy targets to receive other spirits outside of the Holy Spirit. 

Sexual sin can affect not only our physical health but our spiritual health as well. Another physical consequence is pregnancy, which often leads to additional consequences. There are situations in which these pregnancies are terminated and result in abortion. The parent(s) view the child as an inconvenience or try to cover up the sin of fornication with the murder of the innocent child.  Yes, those are harsh words to say. But it is the truth. We can not cover up one sin with another and believe that it goes unpunished by the Most High. The shedding of innocent blood further gives the devil legal access into your life and the ability to oppress you with other demonic spirits.

          Pregnancy can also cause a strain on the relationship and may result in the couple breaking up. [relationship ending] Then, the child is raised in a single-parent household. No matter how society attempts to normalize single parenthood, a child thrives better in a [healthy] household with a father and mother. Children need their father and mother; both parents play vital roles in the upbringing of the child.  In some cases, the parents can co-parent responsibly. Other times, it is chaotic and dysfunctional, which is detrimental to the child. Another real consequence to think about is the possibility of abandonment after the relationship ends. Not all parents stay around or are active in their children’s lives.

It takes two people to create the child, but one parent may not be willing to face the consequences of their actions and raise their child. They lack maturity, stability, and responsibility to meet the needs of their child/children. They were more concerned with the act of sex (their pleasure) than the possible result: a baby. In those situations, the child or children suffer. For unmarried couples that remain in a relationship and live together, a consequence is long-term relationships without marriage or delayed marriage years later. They do everything that husbands and wives do without making it official and right in the eyes of God. But compared to everything previously mentioned, nothing is more dreadful than the fate that awaits fornicators. Fornication results in the person not having an inheritance in the Kingdom of God. We can not live in sexual sin and have eternal life. We have to face the reality that  engaging in fornication results in losing your soul in hell.  We can not be born again expecting to receive eternal life if we continue in fornication. The decision is yours to make.

Now that we have discussed the consequences of fornication, it is important to go over the benefits when we choose to do it God’s way.

Submitting to God’s Way

(Yah’s Way is the Best Way)

When we decide to abstain from fornication, it comes with many benefits. No matter how  others try to convince you that it’s impossible to live without sex before marriage or that you are missing out, we must know it is worth it.  Abstaining gives us the ability to honor God with our bodies. Instead of giving in to sexual sin, we can purely use our bodies to glorify the Father. Abstinence prevents us from being spiritually tied to an individual who isn’t our spouse. [No sexual soul ties] We are able to benefit from not having to worry about STDs because there are no threats to our physical and spiritual health due to sin. [No STDs]

There is no possibility of unplanned, out of wedlock pregnancies. And it is worth mentioning again, no STDs.  When sex is out of the picture, we are able to think clearly and have better judgment. While dating, we are able to better determine who we should give our time, energy, and effort. In a relationship, it gives you a clearer perspective to exercise wisdom and decide if this person is suitable to be your future spouse. Overall, we benefit from abstaining because we have peace of mind. Since we are not using our bodies to sin, there is no condemnation. We have the surety that we are doing what is pleasing to our Father because we are intentional in possessing our bodies in sanctification and honor.

Also, there are benefits to consider for those who are engaged or married who honor God with their bodies. One thing to understand is that marriage is held in honor. It is valuable to be married and should but cherished. It is a covenant designed by the Most High between a man and a woman. There are no exceptions to this regardless of what is accepted in society. When the couple avoids fornication and has done so prior to the relationship, it prevents sexual comparison. When we do it God’s way, we are not bringing prior sexual experiences or expectations into the marriage bed. And for those who have fornicated we need to allow God to purify and refine us, especially our minds and sexual appetites. Both the husband and wife need to have a healthy view of sex that is not perverted through past sexual encounters and pornography. That is why it is important to submit to the process of sanctification to remove any residue of the past that would affect the present.

A major benefit is being able to enjoy sex without condemnation. When we do it Yah’s way, there is peace of mind, and the devil has no ammunition to condemn us with. The couple can participate in sin-free sex, with no guilt or shame.

**This is not an exhaustive list of the benefits for individuals who are either unmarried or married. These are just some to consider.**

Apply it to Our Lives: How to Avoid Fornication

• Make the decision
  • It is up to each of us to decide if we will continue in sin [fornication] or choose to abstain, honoring God with our bodies.
• Present our bodies as a living sacrifice holy and acceptable to God
• Use the members (parts) of our body as instruments of righteousness
  • Choosing to use the parts of our body purely and holy, not to participate in sexual sin.
• Walk in the Spirit
  • When we walk the Spirit, we will not fulfill the lust of the flesh.
  • Self-denial: Crucify our flesh
    • Resist temptation
• Boundaries when dating/courting/engaged
  • Use Godly wisdom
  • Avoid putting yourself in sexually tempting situations.
  • Accountability: Person(s) who hold you accountable to maintain your abstinence and help you avoid other temptations that can lead to fornication.

Put it into Practice: Walking in Sexual Purity

“Overcoming the Shame of Your Sexual Past”

1. Ownership-Accountability
   • Own up to the sin you have committed, don’t turn a blind eye to it.
   • Don’t sweep it under the rug
2. Confession
   • Confess our sins to the Father
3. Repentance
   • Turn from a lifestyle of fornication
   • Our heart posture has to change toward fornication
4. Belief
   • Believe that you are forgiven and that the sin is covered under the blood of Jesus
5. Purification and Refining
   • Submit yourself to the process of the Most High purifying and refining you
   • It does not happen overnight, allow God to removed the impurities from your life.
   • Renew your mind in the Word of God
6. Removal
   • Remove things that stir up lust and cause you to reminisce on past sexual encounters.
     • TV shows, movies, erotic/romance novels, pornography, etc.
   • Social Media accounts
     • Unfollow social media accounts that are lustful and sexually explicit.
     • Unfriend: Don’t be afraid to unfriend people who post material that can be a stumbling block for you
7. Separation
   • People: Be mindful of the company you keep.
     • Separate yourself from others who will cause you to backslide and return to a lifestyle of fornication
       • Examples: friends, acquaintances, and associates
       • Exes: It is not wise to stay in close contact with someone you once were fornicating with
       • BOUNDARIES
         • If you have children with the person, use Godly wisdom in your interaction with the person.
       • Places: If possible, avoid places that you previously frequented if it is a source of temptation that can draw you back into fornication.
8. Accountability Community
   • Surround yourself with like-minded believers
   • Have someone who holds you accountable as you pursue an abstinent lifestyle

Closing Thoughts

You have made it to the end of the post. I hope what you read encourages you along your abstinence journey wherever you may find yourself.  It is not my goal to condemn but to warn others of the consequences that await us if we engage in sexual sin.  With this discussion, I hope it causes you to rethink if you are willing to face the ultimate consequence. If you are engaging in a lifestyle of fornication I urge you to confess your sin to the Father and turn from it while you can. Regardless of what is accepted by the culture around us, there is a standard we are called to live up to. As believers, we are still called to be set apart and a living sacrifice to God. I pray you take into consideration what was discussed and make the right decision. The choice is yours to make, no one else.

**Scriptures used from the New King James Bible and the authorized King James Bible

**Definitions used from the Blue Letter Bible,  Oxford, Merriam-Webster, and Zondervan Pictorial Dictionaries